PostHeaderIcon What should I do about my Marriage?

My Wife and I have a short but colorful history:

I am 35, she is 24
I grew up in Florida, she grew up in Vermont

January 2006 – We met in Florida in school
April 2006 – Started dating, (we were both heavy drinkers and partiers, night clubs, beach bars, etc.)
August 2006 – Found out she was pregnant
September 2006 – I tried to take care of my credit card debt or $18,000 by calling a “Debt Consolidation” firm
December 2006 – Moved up to Vermont to be close to her family
January 2007 – Found out that my identity had been stolen and my credit cards were maxed out. I now am in $85,000 in credit card debt. Plus our school loans. $20,000
April 2007 – Our daughter was born

The first year we tried really hard and I worked as a waiter, she stayed home to raise our daughter. We had financial difficulties throughout the year, I obviously wasn’t paying the credit cards or school loans, we barely made rent each month.

January 2008 – My wife found God and became a born-again Christian.

March 2008 – After several attempts to control what had become a growing problem with alcohol I ended up going on a ten day drinking binge. She left to her parents house and I stayed in the apartment and tried to drink myself to death with wine and stayed drunk for ten days. My mother in-law ended up calling the police and they came to the apartment and found my laying on the floor naked and bloody, covered in my own urine and vomit. They took me away. I went to rehab for 21 days.

Since then I haven’t had a drink or touched any substance. (Almost ten months now)

April 2008 – I got out of rehab and we got married on April 15th. Shortly after we joined the local church and we were baptized together.

Over the summer of 2008 I was unemployed, we moved to a new apartment and started a new life. I felt like a new man and she seemed very happy.

August 2008 – Found a great new job with the promise of a life-long career building furniture. I am very happy and working quite a bit (6 days a week)

Since then money is still tight but getting better. My wife continues to stay home with our daughter, now 20 months. However, she is very upset with me about many things. I don;t chip in enough with the housework. I need to devote more of my free time to bible study, prayer, and devotionals. We need to tithe, (donate), more of my pay to the church. I stay up too late sometimes and when I am tired the next day my behavior reminds her of me being drunk. I forget to put my dirty socks in the hamper.

She claims that she has changed and become a Christian and I haven’t and it’s not good. However, since she’s Christian she can’t leave me because she made a promise top God. I want to stay together but I am having a hard time complying to all the rules of Chritianity. She has stopped wanting to kiss and be affectionate now, however, talks about having more kids still? Recently she told me that she actually never liked kissing in the first place. Also, she says she’s way too tired from being a homemaker to have a libido. I feel she gets enough sleep, she gets up at 9 or 10 AM and goes to bed at about 11 PM.

I don’t know what to do. Please, some advice!!
I wanted to add that I don’t think she loves me and feels that she really screwed up by getting with me in the first place. Now she’s poor and has a kid and is stuck with an old man. Also, she really wants a house now and wants me to pay the $85,000 off and not claim bankruptcy. I have know idea how I would ever be able to. I make $13 an hour before taxes. We’re on food stamps $242 a month though, which helps. She left me in October, went to her Mom and Dad’s, but then came back when she got in a fight with her Mom and realized she had no place to go. She just really can’t stand me, but at the same time is still planning a future and more children and stuff.

8 Responses to “What should I do about my Marriage?”

  • Fey says:

    ..I’m so sorry.
    Religion is soooo..stupid. Ahhh. I’m glad I’m atheist. She’s being ridiculous. Sometimes a little hope is good but when you start going crazy-Christian, it gets pretty bad.
    I don’t know what to do. I feel for you. I’m very sorry about her.

  • Mary K says:

    well you’re an alcoholic and you’ve changed. you married her because you want to stay with her forever. she has also changed her life to fill the VOID you left behind as a drunk. When you take a drunk out of a relationship, you leave a huge hole.

    I suggest you just keep working your @ss off; pray you can keep your job and put sex on that backburner for a while.

    For every action in life, there is usually a reaction.

  • gsxrkitten says:

    I am not sure what direction you want to go… religious or not. Either way I think that if she is planning more children then there is still love there! I am sure things are just hard for the both of you and neither of you know how to handle or react to it. My suggestion is to see a counselor, you can choose to find someone within your church – or not. Another thing (if going the religious route) you can go to your Church’s retreats & seminars (make your wife go as well). They can be a really good source of knowledge on marriages.

  • Irish says:

    Religion is not stupid, but tell your wife to read the book of Matthew. All churches and the Lord knows that you should put your family first.

  • rpetch007 says:

    well mate take charge ..thats what she wants .. so do it ..

  • sm729 says:

    Hi. I don’t know if I will be any help to you but I feel like I should say something.

    It really sounds like you are giving your all to her and working your butt off. It’s not fair in my opinion that she wants you to chip in more with housework and devote EVEN MORE of your time to religion; it sounds like you don’t get much time to yourself anyways with work, and on top of that you have kids too.Granted, if you do something like spill your milk you should clean it up, she shouldn’t have to clean up after you like that but doing chores like laundry and dishes and cleaning – that is her job as a housewife and you should expect nothing less unless she is somehow disabled.

    As for your money issues, her wanting a house is absurdly ridiculous. $85,000 is a hell of a lot to pay off on your wages. Not to mention the fact she wants more kids AND to donate money you don’t have to the church. Charity begins at home, your kids and your family come first – not the church.

    As far as religion goes, her religion is her business. If you are involved, that’s great and good. If you respect her religion, she should respect that maybe you want some time to yourself after working 6 days a week FOR HER.

    Personally judging from your post I think you love her (as you are having a hard time with this) but she is expecting too much from you. It seems as though you have made a genuine effort to support her and your kids and she just wants more and more and more all the time, and she’s probably gonna want even more eventually. I think you should talk to her and confirm if she truly does love you or not. You can’t live your life feeling like crap because she feels as if she screwed up. You are already sacrificing and working to provide for both mother and children, and you can continue to do so being apart from the mother. You deseve to be happy too.

    I think if you talk to her, get honest answers and she is willing to negotiate things might work out. If she is unwilling, I think its time to move on.

    Good luck and God Bless.

  • sadie_oyes says:

    It sounds more like a mother-child relationship, not a marriage.

  • lovesamystery32 says:

    Let me start by saying that you probably have no idea how exhausting it can be to chase a toddler all day. I stayed home with both our children and my husband didn’t get it until I let him stay home with both kids for a week (during his vacation) and didn’t raise a finger to help. He quickly realized that it wasn’t as easy as it seems. Changing diapers, keeping them out of danger, etc. Not to mention, stay-home parents are cut off from normal socialization with other adults usually and it can become quite lonely.

    With that, having another child with this woman would be a huge mistake. Right now the one paying most for this is your daughter who is not seeing mom and dad in a normal relationship. You may think it is too young to matter, but I guarantee it is. Ask my neighbor who always told me her children were fine – both (19 and 17 now) had babies last year.

    For your daughter’s sake, either get counseling now and save your marriage or file for divorce now. It’s not healthy to any of you to be living in a situation of this nature.

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